A small explanation.

Right, prepare for an actual, heartfelt blog post. These come once in a blue-moon, so get ready! I have a tendency now and then, to allow something to happen. Sir Winston Churchill (KG, OM, CH, TD, PC, DL, FRS, Hon. RA) had a name for a similar occurence, he called it his "Black Dog." This old expression has been used for centuries to describe people being in a bad mood or feeling low for no apparent reason. Recently, I have been feeling very low. I have felt that I am worthless, purposeless, and have no real value whatever in this big, busy old world. It isn't a nice feeling, and it can really affect you and those around you. I've felt like my mind is weak, I've felt like I'm weak myself and I can't do anything properly. Not just a little bit of a cock-up now and then, I mean actually feeling like everything I touch turns to faecal matter because I'm so unutterably stupid I don't deserve to live with real people. I'm inconsolable, insulting, and very unpleasant to be around. It really isn't nice, and I'm sorry if it's affected anyone who reads this. And there's not a lot I can do about it, except listen to people trying to support me and help me, and then usually end up saying something horribly hurtful about myself that upsets them. It's terrible to sound so ungrateful when you're talking to someone who wants to help you, but that's how it affects me. Anyway, this kind of thing used to make me do lots of strange little rituals. OCD some would call it, I just call it rituals (archaeologist!). I'd tap the wall three times going up stairs, brush my hair behind my ears with both hands at once, twitch my nose 24 times in slow succession, count my breaths in an advert on tv, that kind of thing. Thankfully, most of that's well behind me now, but sometimes the urges come back, just to try to control myself, calm myself down. It doesn't work, but minds are irrational things sometimes. It's a terrific strain on you to be out of control, especially of your own actions and thoughts. It's like you're sitting inside your own head with someone else in the driving seat, looking through your eyes at a world you can't really feel. So aaaaanyway, the point is, if you get anything similar, don't worry. I think more than a few people do in this world of ours. But remember something that helps me: you're never alone. You have friends, family, medical professionals, internet friends, even pets to comfort you :) Even if you think it's all useless, just listen to them. It's hard enough without denying the help you're offered, and in reality the only way to get through this kind of nonsense (it IS nonsense) is to power through it. Kick its teeth in and steal its wallet, then carry on walking. So yeah, that's about all I wanted to say. Bit of a cowardly way to do it, but I know some of the people who follow this really care and worry about me, and I wanted you guys to read this, even if it isn't right now. Also, I wanted to let anyone out there with similar problems know that you aren't alone, and that one day the stupid little rituals become just that: Stupid. You'll realise, but it takes time, and pain, and persistence. Keep fighting it, because it's bullshit. And you can do it! Anyway, I've got a load of uni stuff to sort out today, and then tomorrow I may try to get up at 5.30am to get a train to Battle (Google maps it!) and then fight in Viking kit! Wahoo! We shall see! :D Peace and love to all! Jx