A small explanation.

Right, prepare for an actual, heartfelt blog post. These come once in a blue-moon, so get ready! I have a tendency now and then, to allow something to happen. Sir Winston Churchill (KG, OM, CH, TD, PC, DL, FRS, Hon. RA) had a name for a similar occurence, he called it his "Black Dog." This old expression has been used for centuries to describe people being in a bad mood or feeling low for no apparent reason. Recently, I have been feeling very low. I have felt that I am worthless, purposeless, and have no real value whatever in this big, busy old world. It isn't a nice feeling, and it can really affect you and those around you. I've felt like my mind is weak, I've felt like I'm weak myself and I can't do anything properly. Not just a little bit of a cock-up now and then, I mean actually feeling like everything I touch turns to faecal matter because I'm so unutterably stupid I don't deserve to live with real people. I'm inconsolable, insulting, and very unpleasant to be around. It really isn't nice, and I'm sorry if it's affected anyone who reads this. And there's not a lot I can do about it, except listen to people trying to support me and help me, and then usually end up saying something horribly hurtful about myself that upsets them. It's terrible to sound so ungrateful when you're talking to someone who wants to help you, but that's how it affects me. Anyway, this kind of thing used to make me do lots of strange little rituals. OCD some would call it, I just call it rituals (archaeologist!). I'd tap the wall three times going up stairs, brush my hair behind my ears with both hands at once, twitch my nose 24 times in slow succession, count my breaths in an advert on tv, that kind of thing. Thankfully, most of that's well behind me now, but sometimes the urges come back, just to try to control myself, calm myself down. It doesn't work, but minds are irrational things sometimes. It's a terrific strain on you to be out of control, especially of your own actions and thoughts. It's like you're sitting inside your own head with someone else in the driving seat, looking through your eyes at a world you can't really feel. So aaaaanyway, the point is, if you get anything similar, don't worry. I think more than a few people do in this world of ours. But remember something that helps me: you're never alone. You have friends, family, medical professionals, internet friends, even pets to comfort you :) Even if you think it's all useless, just listen to them. It's hard enough without denying the help you're offered, and in reality the only way to get through this kind of nonsense (it IS nonsense) is to power through it. Kick its teeth in and steal its wallet, then carry on walking. So yeah, that's about all I wanted to say. Bit of a cowardly way to do it, but I know some of the people who follow this really care and worry about me, and I wanted you guys to read this, even if it isn't right now. Also, I wanted to let anyone out there with similar problems know that you aren't alone, and that one day the stupid little rituals become just that: Stupid. You'll realise, but it takes time, and pain, and persistence. Keep fighting it, because it's bullshit. And you can do it! Anyway, I've got a load of uni stuff to sort out today, and then tomorrow I may try to get up at 5.30am to get a train to Battle (Google maps it!) and then fight in Viking kit! Wahoo! We shall see! :D Peace and love to all! Jx

Hiraeth et al!

Last night I had a terrible bout of self doubt and self deprecation. I was convinced I was worthless, pointless, directionless and meaningless. It upset me, and someone I was talking to at the time who means a great deal to me and my family and friends. This us a mini public apology for upsetting you like that, and I'm sorry I do that to us both sometimes. I can't really help it, but it is nice to have people who stand by me and help me even when I'm being that way... x Anyway, on with the blog! I just read an article by a lady named Pamela Petro ( ) and it speaks about "Hiraeth". Hiraeth is a Welsh word I use sometimes, which means...well, nobody's ever translated it into English (we're rather proud of that), but it's sort of home-sickness, longing, and a desire for the good old days that never were, all rolled into one great big lump of angst and close-harmony singing. Or at least beer. She is a lady who has travelled the world in Welsh, despite being a "Dysgwraig" or learner, being from the USA by birth (we forgive and welcome you!). I say by birth, because as far as I'm concerned this lady's as Welsh as I am! She loves my country, its people, and she's learning the language. She has, in this article http://www.theparisreview.org/blog/2012/09/18/dreaming-in-welsh/#.UFjAl_eZHM4.facebook Embodied what it feels like to be Welsh. Ha! And she from the US! Wonderful! So Welsh it hurts! It has taken someone from thousands of miles away to tell us how we feel so beautifully! Poetry! :D Anyway, I have followed her blog, and I suggest you do the same, if only to read through her previous posts. Today I enroll for my MA classes. It will be fun. I will enjoy it. I will work out the dilemma of clashing classes with re-enactment battles later. Now, I bacon! Jx

Welcome to York! We have The Buffalo Skinners!

Sorry I've been absent a while! Just moved into a new house, getting university things sorted, and also trying to find a parking space in York city centre (physical impossibility) Anyway. I haven't done very much aside from explore with peopleand have Robyn from unraveltheturtle.blogspot.com visit. However, I have had a number of mini-panics about this MA, and I've decided with help from my very good friend Liz that it's something interesting, I like it, and that's enough :) I figure that if something's nice, and you like it, you should keep it up. That's why I'm a cellist, that's why I take photos, that's even why I write this blog! So if you like something, keep it going, it's worthwhile just for that ^^ INSPIRING! Also, if you like folk, zydeco, rock and roll, accordions and amazing hair and clothes, you ought to check out The Buffalo Skinners. They're a band from the northeast of England who play exceptionally good music, frequently on the street! Here's a photo to whet your appetites, and then you should go and check out their facebook page.

They have a two track album out, I believe, and if you happen to be in York city centre, drag yourself to the sound of badass violin solos and accordion riffage! Jx

Canadians Everywhere!

Right, no pics today I'm afraid. I'm tired and I want to go to bed (all together now!) Ahem. Anyway. Last time I showed you a lady named Kate Leth, from Canada. Today, I discovered the aristic talents of another lady from Canada, called Brinny Langlois. Now I don't know what it is, whether it's the weather, the water, the maple syrup or the moose jerky, but by Gad these Canucks can draw some bloody beautiful comics! Brinny's art is beautifully simple, cute, and her comics are very funny! I enjoy reading comics that are effortlessly funny like hers. They don't appear every minute of every day, they come when they come, and they're good as a result. She draws single images as well, to keep the site filled with yumminess! :) Read these websites, enjoy these young ladies' art and talent, and then go and make some gorgeous artwork of your own! Don't just sit there like a lump saying "Oh I wish i could draw!" Go and bloody well use up some paper and get yourself online! I will if you will :) Anyway, tomorrow I have a busy day planned, I'm moving to York on Monday! Woohoo! Brillo pads! :D Tata for now gorgeous people! Jx

Back to crafts!

So I've started tablet weaving again! I was feeling ill, which is when I seem to do crafty things like this, I'm not sure why! But i've made a couple of narrow bands, blue and white chevrons, and another one with an orange border, which isn't quite done yet!

That's it :) There's also a rather exciting development going on. I'm a student again! Woohoo! Off to York to do a Master's Degree :D The housing is developing slowly, but I should have it sorted by the end of next week, aall being well. Anyhoo, I'm off out to lunch, this was just a small post to let y'all know I was still about :) Also, if anyone out there is interested and doesn't know yet, go to www.kateordie.tumblr.cm and look at what is the BEST comic I've read this year! I admit to sending a slightly lame email to the author, because her comic actually really helped me come to terms with some of the things that have troubled me. It's a very good comic, heartfelt and enthusiastic, and the art is, of course, cute as a button! TTFN chaps! Jx

Tiredness

Well, I'm tired. Tired of working, tired of trying to sort out my uni stuff, tired of having the volatility of human emotion thrust upon me. Tire, tired, tired. But, on the plus side, ZZ Top's new album "La Futura" is coming out in a few days, and I shall be getting the record, to boost my vinyl collection! :D It's just under £20, which is fine by me as I love a bit of music, as you've surely gathered by now! If that's not your bag, I recently discovered that the new series of Dr. Who was going to be almost identical to the last, in terms of story arcs, script styles and, indeed, companions. No more the thrill and excitement of people dying, getting kicked off the show, storylines with interesting new planets and aliens, different situations and stuff like that. Oh no. We shall have the Doctor's identity being questioned, love between him and flirtatious women, the "Pond Saga", and now there's a grandad again (Remember Bernard? He was Donna's grandad. Originalitylol!). Oh, and buggering up the Daleks, don't forget that. Well there we go. Predictability, thy name is the BBC Wales scriptwriting department of the 2000s and 2010s. Anyhoo, enjoy the next episode! :D TTFN chaps! Love J x

Wow, been a while!

Greetings The Internet! Sorry for the loooooong delay, I've been working liek a dog! However, I have now paid off my tuition fees for next year ^^ And I'm working on moving into somewhere as well soon with Friend James, who is a Lovelington. Anyhoo, I'm now a Fireman on a steam railway, which is...kind of a dream come true for me! Yay! :D Seriously, I've been dreaming of this job for several years now, and to have actually finally accomplished it is...amazing, to say the least! :) It's quite nice to know that if you try and you work at it, you actually can achieve your dreams and goals, even if you don't quite realise you're doing it... Have a photo! I promise I'll keep up the posts from now on! Peace out y'all! J x